Rewrite Time

My script...isn't amazing. In terms of dialogue and whatnot, it could be a lot better. So, I'm going to fix that up a bit and refine it. Also since I have my title, I can officially name it. 

My first step was reducing down dialogue. Getting some feedback from some of my friends and teacher, I realized that some of the things they are saying are too wordy and can be cut down quite a bit. Sometimes it would just be because real people would not usually say certain things but sometimes it just wouldn't fit the characters themselves either. Some of the changes would be as small as changing this:

To this:

This not only helped me make the dialogue seem a bit more realistic and believable but also cut down on how long the opening will be, which I'm a little scared that might be a problem. 

I also changed the body dropping on the remote and turning the TV on. Looking at it now...it is pretty dumb. Instead, I just have the TV on in the background for the entire thing, and as they are leaving, a breaking news interruption about them will catch Malcolm and Sam's attention. This feels more realistic and a lot less cartoony. But now I have to decide what to do with the TV. I would need something playing beforehand so I can show that it's an interruption, even if it's only a second long. This also allows me to have some sort of sound in the background of the scene coming from the TV, letting me play around more with the soundscape. BUT, now I need to make a graphic for the breaking news interruption that would play as Malcolm and Sam carry the body before noticing the interruption is about them. 

Something like this would work well. So I have to find time to do that. Anyway, here is my revised script, with title, character names, and all!